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Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Why do turn your voice to the sky to sing to the angels when there's one standing right here..

I do not want to go to work today... Erika and I found a place the other day, we are really excited about it, I'll finally have my own place! :D Happy face! Erika and I also talked about Chris and Brian yesterday, and how much alike they are. It made me feel alot better talking to E about it, it's nice to have her around now. I had a bad dream last night about Chris. In the dream he and I were walking through Wal-mart and we ran into his ex, I immediately recongized her and tried to pull Chris down another aisle. But he refused to follow me and kept trying to go down the aisle she was in, insisting he needed to talk to her. I kept telling him no and started getting upset, I asked him to please come the other way with and started crying. He turned to me and pulled his arm away from me and told me I wouldn't ever understand the way he felt about her and what she still means to him. He then promtly left me standing in the aisle, bawling my eyes out, as he walked away with her. I've had alot of these dreams, and I'm not sure what their trying to tell me, if anything.... I'm not quite sure how I can dislike her SO MUCH and have never even met her. Maybe I think she had all of him and I only have a piece of him. I don't know.... I'm hungery... Byes

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Good Idea At The Time

First off.

The deleted my old Xanga, I don't know why..

and it kinda upsets me cause I've had that thing since '04

But anyway, start anew I suppose.

So, I've been thinking about somethings lately and I'm really confused over the situation... I feel lost sometimes, like a failure, a burden or better yet a nuisance. And then there's an uneasy feeling that I'm trying to be changed. I mean, don't get me wrong, I need to change in more than one way. Because lately I felt very irresponsible.. but what I'm getting at here is that I'm scared. Sometimes I feel like "he" would rather me live up to her expectations. Like he loves me but it'd be better if I were more like her, and maybe it's just me but why do I feel that way sometimes? And maybe I am spending too much time with him, but I'm terrified that I'm going to lose him because of his ex. And he's told me different millions of times but it's still in the back of my head. I'm scared that he still loves her but he's trying to love me, and I don't know if he can do it. He's sweet, I love him with all my heart and that will always remain to be true. But it seems so irrelevant sometimes. Like my best is not good enough, thus the living up to her expectations... I don't want him to love me because I do things for him, or because i am "pretty", or anything like that. I want him to love me the way I love him and I don't think he does right now... I love him for every single thing he is, I love him for every flaw he may have, every noise or face he makes, every second he makes me feel whole, his freckles, his ways, his touch, everything, even his horribly terrifying kitty.... But I feel like he displays my flaws while I hide his away... I don't know, I'll write later... :(